it was my revolution Across the ken of a thousand years
I try not to think about you anymore
I try not to feel my stomach tighten when I look at you
Because that doesn't matter anymore
I try to move forward
Hell. I try to move in anyway I can, now
Because since you've gone, I've hardly moved at all
It's hard, though
Because ahead, I see nothing
The days have all blurred together
Tomorrow I could die and that'll be it
And I won't have had done anything
And at the end, despite the span of many years which now separates us
I will think of you at that last gasp
I try to find love again
But it never plucks me from this nether like once you did
I try to breathe again like you made me breathe
But if you are really gone, then I am as dead as nails
I lost the war
I lost that day
I lost these army of days since and which ever wind and eddy into some unnameable place
When you locked me with that stare, I was afraid
Because I knew I was yours
And I didn't know then how much I now know how much you had me
And I didn't tell you when you cared
So now you don't care at all about me
It's as though I never was
And that jostle was the little I was happy
That was the most I did
I bet on you. Well. I guess I bet wrong
As I lie with the stars, and don't sleep well
As I think on you when I shouldn't
Die a little more being so very well and not so well, both, at the same time
I don't want to and all I can think to do
All I can think to say is that I love you
Before, to say such a thing, to think it, felt so very grand
It seemed as though it were a kind of revolution
It was my revolution
But now as I say it, it might be the gunshots that kills that revolution
I hate myself when I say it, now
I hate myself because I wish I wasn't me when I know that's the truth
And I can't fight it
And you're married to that bastard who makes you happy
Or you lie well enough that I believe that crap
I wish it were medieval times
Or Renaissance days
I wish it were Roman times
I wish it was any other time but this time
Because then I could go out into a dirt field with that bastard
And we'd be wearing tunics cinched with belts and wearing leather sandals
And we'd draw swords and fight until one of us dies
And maybe if it was another time, and I didn't just have to turn the other cheek
I could beat him and you'd love me again
And it would be easy again
But I live here, in this time, and you don't love me anymore
And you love that bastard who I hate almost as much as I hate you
And there's nothing I can do about it
So I try not to think about you
I try to look into strangers' eyes
I hope someone grander than you will lock me with a stare
And that that time it'll be for good
But you've made a deaf-mute of me
I only ride with Don Quixote, now
I only have tea with the Hatter
I only speak to Faust, now
You took away my life
And now I just want it back
But you won't give it to me
I want you to know that I hate you, now
Because it hurts too much being me
And loving you and this being the truth, now
Oh gods, show me mercy
I don't know how to talk to anyone but you, now
And you've seen me on this world
I don't know how to live on this world, either
But if you won't
Well
Then I'll keep on riding with Don Quixote
For you are just as cruel to him as you are to I
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